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Adrift

October 12, 2010

So… I have lost touch with someone.

She and I have had a long complicated relationship. In fact, we disliked each other for many years, probably because I believed a lot of the mean things other people said about her. And then, about five years ago, I made a commitment to work it out and get to know her better. And we spent time together, and slowly grew to like each other. We became friends. And the more time we spent together, the deeper and more amazing things became. We fell in love and inspired each other and it was glorious.

And then I did something really unethical, and we fought over it and instead of resolving things, we just… stopped seeing each other. And we haven’t really spoken since.

It’s been about two and a half years.

This is awkward because we’ve still been living together.

This is awkward because we are the same person.

No, I don’t mean in a split-personality, schizophrenia or dissociative way. I mean that the above has been a metaphor. But a really bloody accurate one.

And now I’m stuck in apathy and depression, and wondering how to get back to that great relationship I had with myself a few years ago. How to get back to self-respect, and self-love, and doing things like meditation (spending intimate time with my Self) and art (self-expression) and all that stuff. And I don’t know how to get back to that. I don’t have answers for this. I don’t have a plan.

And I’m scared that I’ll never get back to that. That I’ll have this memory of confidence and love and empowerment and always be trapped in this state where I’m sad and irritable and unmotivated. Forever.

I’m scared that I’ll extend the hand of friendship to myself and there will be nothing there, or that my inner self will reject me.

I had some idea that starting to write this would help me understand what’s going on with more clarity, or that some notion of how to start the reconciliation process would come to me… but it didn’t. So I guess I’m just putting this out here as a “Hey, at least I’ve noticed this thing. And I would like to change it.”

What is my wish?

I would like to figure out some little steps I can take to re-establish a bit more connection with my Self. A re-introduction? Something to take those first steps toward reconciliation.

So I’ll send that little wish out into the Universe, and see what comes to me in the next week.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Liss permalink
    November 25, 2010 11:14 PM

    I salute your efforts.

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